High/Low

Posted on March 19, 2012 by admin

I’m feeling ambivalent today – got lots going through my heart/soul/mind….thought I’d write it down (this is one of the times where having a melancholic mood can derail the day):

1.  High – took Dad out in town to shop and enjoy Chiang Mai/Low – Clutch in truck finally bit the dust and I drove home in 2nd gear.

2.  High – we leave for a visa trip/vacation on Wednesday/Low – can’t find our ATM card.

3.  High – We’re going to New Zealand for a grand total for $900!/Low – Our “kiwi” friends informed me how curvy the roads are there!  Agh!  (This might be my first vacation where I’m perpetually on Dramamine)

4.  High – Someone is here to feed the cats/Low – today one cat didn’t show up for breakfast.  We’re down to just Shadow/Extra-low:  telling the kids he didn’t come home today after they get home from school.

5.  High – Singapore Universal Studios that aformentioned Dad is springing for!/Low-it’s sandwiched between grueling hours at the Thai Embassy so we can get back in the country.

6.  High – flying cheaply on United to the U.S./Low – My ticket pimp and brother is laid up with a broken tibula (or whatever) and flights are packed…

7.  High – getting to defend my dissertation at 9AM on April 2nd/Low – getting ready for it!

7.  High – my husband never really has lows – no corresponding low!

We are in the “get packed for Visa drudgery, New Zealand beauty and nature, Buddy returning home with kids, me flying to US, defending, buying blocks of orange cheese and enjoying an asundry of lovely American wonders for 3 days, dropping Dad off and coming back to Chiang Mai” stage of life.

Dad and the "Family Size" pizza from Pizza & Pasta!

A travel blog is coming up!  Stay tuned (we leave to Singapore on Wednesday, so I’m sure by Thursday night I will have something to say about immigration procedures and uber-clean Singapore)  And more than anything – pray.  Any number of strings could unravel a lot..we love you all.

Jen

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And the answer is…(Part 6 of 6)

Posted on March 6, 2012 by admin

Good thing I’m done with this montage of thoughts on the blog…after what I’m about to pull, you may need to take a break…

What to do, what to do?

Whenever someone asks me the simple question, “What are you going to do…”, a weird little radar goes off…things like, “I’m not sure”/uncertainty, “I don’t care”/apathy, “Go to Disneyworld”/relief all kind of converge into one moment of indecision.  I really wish there was a super navigable (I did not know that was a word until right now) path…I wish I could lay out my 10 year plan toward health, hope and happiness.

And here’s where you roll your eyes…the problem isn’t usually the answer…it’s the question.  And sometimes, for me, the question makes me lose focus on who I am, and start thinking way too much about I’m going to do.  (Huh?…Jen, people are just curious!)

Let me give a little example:  I was just talking with my dear friend who said that she was going to give homeschooling “one more semester” to see if she was either a homeschool success or failure…whether it was “for her or not for her”.  I promptly told her that was a ridiculous premise.  The question “Did I fail or succeed at homeschooling, and thus, should I continue?” is only going to lead to self-pity or pride (both of which I experienced large doses of during this degree pursuit)

The question should be based on who she is:  “What method of schooling will best provide my children with a better understanding of the Gospel of Christ”.  There, if she’s a mean/terrifying/horrific Mom, maybe it’s school…if there’s a mean/terrifying/horrific teacher/situation, maybe it’s homeschool.  Who cares – what matters is that she stays true to her love/value/hope in the Gospel for both herself and the children.  At the end of that line of questioning is a meek faith that says, “I want them to know You more, Lord”.  Ahhhhh.

See, that changes things…and for now…that’s where I’m resting…I don’t know what my wedding basket will provide other than a few “oooh’s and aaahs” and random men saying, “What’s that for?”…and I don’t know what this degree will play in the future.  I rest in the hope that, with God’s help, it might bring a clearer understanding of the Gospel in my life, and in the lives of others…forever.

Soli Deo Gloria…

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What are you going to do with that? (Part 5 of 6)

Posted on March 5, 2012 by admin

This is the question I’ve been getting a lot lately.  If someone comes over and I show them my two antique purchases from China, they definitely have it on their mind.  I bought an old shutter from an ancient Chinese house that I thought would look super cool on my wall [now just have to figure out where to put it]…as well as an antique Chinese wedding basket that looks kind of like this.  (If you’re wondering why the pictures have been lacking on this blog lately, it’s because my Canon died…might have something to do with the time Megan dropped it).  So, all pictures have been coming from google images lately.

Kind of like this, but way more banged up...(hey, it's an antique!)

 

Comes apart like this - supposedly used for bring food to weddings (but who am I to say??)

My BFF couldn’t wait to hear Buddy’s reaction to these purchases, because if your husband is anything like mine, the phrase, “What are you going to do with that?” just rolls off his tongue way too easily.  (He must’ve transitioned into some sort of purchasing cannatonic state, because he wasn’t even phased).

Anyway – I’ve been getting this question a lot lately.  From wedding basket purchases to a degree I’m about to finish…what are you going to do with that?  Concerning school, my belief that this degree might actually be finished is starting to gain traction – all the little ducks are lining up and since that has been my goal for so long, I am suddenly aware of the next question:

Now what?

I really don’t know what a wedding basket is for, nor do I know what my diploma will be for, but as you can imagine, I have some thoughts…see you tomorrow!

 

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Being Strong is Never Easy…(Part 4 of 6)

Posted on March 2, 2012 by admin

I know…it’s no bombshell of amazing wisdom…it is, however, the second half of my encounter with three energetic physical therapists…

After my “talking to”, I kept trying to get a word in edgewise about my spinal cord plight of years ago, searching high and low for some sympathy and understanding as to why my legs were/are well, lame.

I think this is because the last class in Physical Therapy school is “How to have a Dead Pan Face, no matter what gruesome story the patient tells you”.  Seriously, not one of them seemed to care that at such a young, tender age, I was paralyzed for a month.  Usually that registers somewhere on the sympathy scale.

Not with PT’s…and I figured out why:  they didn’t go to school to be counselors, they went to school to prove to everyone that people could be overcomers if they worked hard.

I realized I was out of my league…and after receiving the verbal lashing, their words began to take root in my soul.  The truth is, getting strong is never easy.  If it was, there would be a lot more strong people out there and a lot of counselors out of work.

My new friends...

As I whined to these kind and helpful people about how I hate working out, hiking, walking, etc…one of them said to me the most profound thing:  “If you strengthened your legs, you might find that you don’t hate those things so much”. Ugh.  I really have been going about this all wrong – skipping right to the torture of moving my legs, instead of strengthening them for the task.  After some helpful exercises – I was on my way.

But not without that phrase sifting down to my innermost parts.  How many things in my life are weak that I have not bolstered, strengthened for the task?  How weak is my faith concerning areas of my life that I find hard, difficult, maybe even repulsive?  It’s not so much about the “quiet time” being done as it is about my faith being strengthened.  Most times, those things go hand-in-hand, other times, it can be like my futile exercising plan.  Doing the work, but remaining weak in what needs to be strengthened.  (I am not condoning eradicating quiet times or devotions…only the act of disguising them as strong faith…and besides that’s just one example!)

So…I’ve been thinking a lot about what else can use some strength training besides these silly legs…

Strengthen my faith, Lord.

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Physical Therapy Anyone? Part 3 of 6

Posted on March 1, 2012 by admin

While at our conference in Beijing, we were treated to lovely, spoiling things by a ministry to North American missionaries.  You’re really only supposed to go to ONE of these conferences in a lifetime, but when they have space available, missionary vultures like Jen and myself are allowed to participate again.  (We are already stalking the next conference)

This ministry brings women from America to keep us from Frumpville, the path that is large and wide for all missionaries…their entourage consists of hairdressers, massage therapists, make-up artists and for the lame, physical therapists…

One of the 3 PT’s they brought sized me up right away…”why are you limping?”…(those people have a radar for the slightest walking infraction).  I yukked it up and laughed off my walking impediment to an “old war injury” and proceeded to win over any and everyone with my ceaseless charm.

Those people don’t give up though…word got out about the girl that walks funny and can’t bend and by the last breakfast (Jen had already skipped town and offered no protection whatsoever), they had closed ranks and proceeded to give me the 1, 2, 3.

As in:  1)  I think you could use some more physical therapy, 2) You need to build up your muscles, and 3) What sort of exercising do you do?  (As if my measly 30 minutes twice a week with Kristi Su isn’t enough…whatever!!!)

It’s been 26 years since I spent my sophomore year of high school with “first period” of school being “Torture with the Turkish Physical Therapist”…haven’t I paid my dues?  Apparently not, and these PT drill sergeants made it very clear to me:  “Shape up & Strengthen up or you’re gonna be a gnarly mess in a few years”…

The story beneath the story tomorrow…(Kristi Su, don’t you go spoiling it!) 🙂

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Vulnerability Stinks…Part 2 of 6

Posted on February 29, 2012 by admin

After reading about getting swindled in Beijing, now you get to hear the rest of the story…

As we continued our trek to Tiannamen Square, I could not shake how foolish I felt for being taken…it is not often, as adults (at least if you put forth a small effort toward wisdom) where we are taken advantage of so blatantly and with such premeditation.  I mean, as kids, we sit and think these kinds of things up, but when it involves a full-fledged adult, it just plain stinks, stings and sucks.

The reality of someone waiting outside our hotel to find some unsuspecting tourist (namely me and Jen) and then lie to them about a price just makes me feel so utterly foolish.  When our bike driver got us in the back alley and showed us a laminated (yes, laminated…as in I’m going to use this thing so much that I need to preserve it in plastic!) card demanding $50, everything suddenly became really clear.  We had fallen right into a trap.

This kind of vulnerability, in particular, cuts to the core.  Jen and I felt like we walked around with a huge L on our forehead…we just plain ole’ felt victimized, something both of us don’t cognitively buy into for any length of time.

I wonder if Jesus ever felt foolish.  His was the ultimate trap…if Jen and I knew of this ruse, we would’ve turned around and avoided the bike guy like the plague.  But Jesus…He knew and waited for eventual humiliation.  I can’t say that I can even imagine that in light of the foolishness and vulnerability I felt for a measly $50 and my priceless pride.

Yet another reason to thank and praise Him…God, willing to be foolish for me.

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Roughed up in Beijing – Part 1 of 6

Posted on February 28, 2012 by admin

Inspired by my BFF, I am going to blog for six days in a row…I promise they won’t all be about Beijing (unless, of course, I run out of material and have to start ratting out said BFF about her not-so-nice-comments about China)…besides, I’ve wanted to see what it’s like to blog every day and six days seems to be a good commitment.

So, each day will be a story and the next will be the story beneath the story…this is the joy and curse of a writer…we see stories everywhere…each story is linked to another, usually deeper, sometimes painfully true lesson of life.  Part 1 begins with our soon to be infamous story of getting scammed in Beijing.

One of these things isn't like the other...one of these things is wearing a rabbit fur hat on her 6 foot high head

Can someone please say, "over the top?"...she was a little bit wigged out by the cold! So much for being a Denver girl!

Anyhow…we successfully navigated the 2.5 hour taxi wait in the cold from 2:30-5:00 a.m., hit the Great wall in record time, tobagganed down (Jen’s version of this story will not include the fact that she whined about doing so, and then declared to everyone that it was “the best part of China”)…it was all fine and dandy until we tried to go to Tiananmen Square…

Every picture I took in Beijing was done with the one hand-arm-out look...here's Jen feigning fear...

As we walked out of our fancy hotel (where the conference was located)…and began our trek to Tiananmen, a seemingly friendly guy on a bicycle with a seat attached told us it would only be 3 RMB to give us a lift.  Always one to avoid excessive walking, we jumped on.  Soon, we found ourselves snug in the back alley’s of veneer China (don’t forget all the work done to make China look great for the Beijing Olympics)…with our seemingly friendly biker demanding 300 RMB! (50 dollars instead of 50 cents!)

This opportunity provided me with a great understanding of our “Fight or Flight” response for my future psychology students.  Invigorated by the tobaggan run, I was ready to put my dukes up and was in mid-scoff at the man when Jen, the girl from the Denver ‘hood handed over 300 RMB faster than you can say “scammer”!  She moved faster than I’ve ever seen and we looked like an old married couple who was fighting over a bad purchase…”why did you give him FIFTY dollars?”  I kept asking, while Jen just kept saying, “It’s ok, it’s ok!”

Turns out she has a lot more street smarts than me and in the end, I think it was the right thing to do.  We got semi-scammed on the way home again and by the end of the day, we felt as though we had seen enough of China, maybe, for a lifetime.  Subsequent conversations with dear friends who have ministered in China have since talked me down from the ledge, but getting scammed is no fun…

Stay tuned for the story beneath the story tomorrow…

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Flying Brings It Out of Me…

Posted on February 19, 2012 by admin

Flying brings it out of me…

 

I am waiting in the Chiang Mai airport to begin a journey to visit my best friend, while simultaneously attending a conference in Beijing, China.  What could be better?  Not much, I must admit.

 

But it began creeping up on me yesterday – my growing resistance to get in a mega-ton hunk of metal that somehow, somehow, stays up in the sky.  What?!?!?  Seriously, the more I live, the more I think, “that’s just not right”.  I remember my younger days when flying was an adventure…I have spent my life on airplanes, flying anywhere and everywhere.  I even spent 30 days flying stand-by around the US and sometimes caught a plane in California to the East Coast just to have a place to sleep.  Seriously….why all the pent up worry about flying?

 

Three reasons…and I bet you can guess their names.  The disciples God has given me have become, shall we say, a bit too dear to me.  And by that, I mean that the thought of leaving them motherless makes me want to throw up (like right now).  I think of Jack’s “black-and-white” view of God and cringe at the thought of him growing up hating God for letting his Mom die.  Megan’s heart is so fragile that tipping points for her are like landmines in her soul. These thoughts overwhelm me.

 

So, on the ride to the airport today I told Buddy I needed to spend some time confessing my sin.  My sin, you ask?  Yep…my disgustingly self-consumed, conceited love of myself.  God in His grace uses this time (every time) to reveal that my faith is ridiculously small in this area.  While it might move mountains elsewhere, it couldn’t scare a flea when it comes to the belief that God will take care of my kids if I died.  This is less about my love for my children and more about my distrust of the Almighty.  (I have so already “been there, done that and got that t-shirt”…oh Lord, help me!)

 

I am humbled, maybe even chastised, by this reoccurring revelation.   God’s purifying whirlwind in my soul thankfully doesn’t end with such an admission – I can choose to fix my hope on Him…the things He is and says He will do.

Game. Changer.

Jen

* Obviously, I made it safe! – more later- hit the Great Wall today!

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Giving birth to 20 year olds…

Posted on February 4, 2012 by admin

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for some time…today seems like as good a time as ever…

When I was young and people started talking about babies (a conversation I usually steered clear from) I often said with great bravado, “I would be willing to go through a tremendous amount of labor to give birth to a 20 year old self-sustaining child”.  It seemed like such a brilliant idea…a child without 20 years of training…my kind of parenthood, or so I thought.

You see, I thought that by age 20, these people would surely not need me for much (and so you see the absolute self-absorbed world I lived in for, oh so long).  While that’s true, the real hard part about raising people is not their physical neediness, but in the aches and needs of their heart.

Well…I got what I wished for!  Our ministry with DTS is really about giving birth to very sufficient 20 year olds.  But, as I have come to find about most things I thought when I was young, I was wrong.  Though these students are not my own flesh and blood, I have an inkling of what it’s like to keep watching them as they blossom into adulthood. I had lulled myself into thinking that it got easier, when in fact, it does not.

Right now there are some very significant twenty-somethings that are on the tip of my heart…I wake up and pray for them, I go to the store to cook something for them, I love having them around, I watch them wince in actual pain and wince with them in figurative pain.  Some may get married in a few weeks, some will stay here in Thailand and some will go home…some are wondering what happened to their “home”.

It’s frightful…this discipleship that mirrors flesh and blood children is as overwhelmingly wonderful as it is sometimes painful.  Watching a young person face up to their fear of man and choose not to step in because this moment is meant to change the trajectory of their life…hoping another one hears God’s voice and obeys…praying like crazy….maybe more I ever have….these are the birthpangs of 20 somethings.

I thought it would be easy, but instead…by God’s amazing grace…it is just another thing to tether me to the Gospel of Christ.  And in it all, God gives us the greatest satisfaction as we live to serve Him.  We are so unbelievably blessed…you guys have no idea.

We love you – Jen

Some of my favorite twenty-somethings...

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On Silent Warnings…

Posted on January 24, 2012 by admin

Intrigued and thankful today for the silent warnings, God, through His Spirit, gives us.  In the midst of a fairly mundane Tuesday, I decided to venture out and grab some stuff at the store…all throughout my drive to Japanese 100 Yen Store (yes, they have one in Thailand!), I kept finding myself rather melancholy.

Was it that being around all the 100 Yen goodies made me ache for Okinawa?  Yeah, probably….yeah, partially.

As I drove home, I thought to myself, “Hey I should stop at the pottery shop and look for…” Stuff.

That’s when it dawned on me…that silent warning system perked up again and I realized God’s loving hand as He began to reveal the source of this consternation…I’m flirting with stuff again.

Maybe it’s because I need a reprieve from getting my literary teeth kicked in by my editor…maybe it’s because our friend is bringing a big ole EXTRA suitcase from America with goodies from our friend, Amazon.  Either way, I’ve been thinking a LOT about a new iphone 4S (hey, it comes unlocked!)…the pottery store was really just to check for this polka-dotted porcelain that somehow I’ve been convinced is a must have here in Thailand.  Pottery or phone, I’m finding myself looking for some thing to meet some where in my heart.

It’s so easy, isn’t it?  Momentary happiness from a purchase innoculously buoys the spirit.  I would go down dying saying that shopping is not sinful…(even though at times it is simply dreadful)…one day when there’s enough extra, I will probably get an iphone…but it’s that today I was taking a neutral experience and shoving it down my soul hoping for some lasting effect.  Actually, life is really good right now…just got back from a 2 day get-away with Buddy, the kids are happy, the dissertation is eeking along…just goes to show that you don’t have to be down and out to flirt with stuff of Earth and demand satisfaction.

Isaiah knew…..”Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare”…the richest of fare…the One, True God that helps even when we don’t think we need it…satisfies us at every step…silently warns of the pain of getting Him and stuff mixed up.

Grateful today…Jen

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