Flying brings it out of me…
I am waiting in the Chiang Mai airport to begin a journey to visit my best friend, while simultaneously attending a conference in Beijing, China. What could be better? Not much, I must admit.
But it began creeping up on me yesterday – my growing resistance to get in a mega-ton hunk of metal that somehow, somehow, stays up in the sky. What?!?!? Seriously, the more I live, the more I think, “that’s just not right”. I remember my younger days when flying was an adventure…I have spent my life on airplanes, flying anywhere and everywhere. I even spent 30 days flying stand-by around the US and sometimes caught a plane in California to the East Coast just to have a place to sleep. Seriously….why all the pent up worry about flying?
Three reasons…and I bet you can guess their names. The disciples God has given me have become, shall we say, a bit too dear to me. And by that, I mean that the thought of leaving them motherless makes me want to throw up (like right now). I think of Jack’s “black-and-white” view of God and cringe at the thought of him growing up hating God for letting his Mom die. Megan’s heart is so fragile that tipping points for her are like landmines in her soul. These thoughts overwhelm me.
So, on the ride to the airport today I told Buddy I needed to spend some time confessing my sin. My sin, you ask? Yep…my disgustingly self-consumed, conceited love of myself. God in His grace uses this time (every time) to reveal that my faith is ridiculously small in this area. While it might move mountains elsewhere, it couldn’t scare a flea when it comes to the belief that God will take care of my kids if I died. This is less about my love for my children and more about my distrust of the Almighty. (I have so already “been there, done that and got that t-shirt”…oh Lord, help me!)
I am humbled, maybe even chastised, by this reoccurring revelation. God’s purifying whirlwind in my soul thankfully doesn’t end with such an admission – I can choose to fix my hope on Him…the things He is and says He will do.
* Obviously, I made it safe! – more later- hit the Great Wall today!